Thursday, September 20, 2007

of drashes and midnight tatrums

Tirzah is working on her drash. (speech for her bat mitzvah)
i snuck a peek at it. it makes me giggle. she is so cute. and so wise. and so grown up. when did she grow up?

last night i was dying laughing when lavell's mom called him "precious" (last comic standing)
i wonder if she had the same thought, "when did he grow up?!"

last night was a rough night for tirzah. she has a cold now. which makes her hsp flare up. at 3 am we hear a voice over our heads yelling in anguish, "i dont want to be sick any more!!!" over and over.

it has been 3 yrs of being sick, staying home cuz other people could get her sick, and i think last weekend wore us all down more than we knew. more than we realized for tirzah, too.

stupid UCDavis dr's havent returned any calls. it has been a week.

i am tired of chemo as an option, not as an option, biopsy suggestions, transplant suggestions, and viles of blood that dont give us any answers only more questions.

no one is doing anything it seems.

i found this:

sometimes the hardest thing is to do nothing, especially when it seems like noone else is doing anything. so, i think that sums it up here. not that prayer is nothing, there is nothing i can do but pray. so i pull out her shawl, and i knit and pray the stitches. some times i pray that when i am done it wont look like a fried egg, but mostly for Tirzah to be well, for G-d to fulfill His purpose for he life, for her to get to see Africa, thankful prayers for being allowed to be her mother, her gift of delight to us (tirzah means delightful and friendly) she is so brave and unquestioning. she lay in that hospital bed and said "It's ok mom, G-d has a plan for me" -so grown up. last nights moment of anguish and fear remind me she is just a little girl.

i used to deliver papers for the boston globe. i hated sundays, you could only carry 5 papers at most at one time. one cold autumn day i say a cat catching a field mouse. i took a paper and beat the cat.

then i twisted the paper into a cone and scooped the mouse up. i cried all the way home, woke my daddy from a sound sleep and begged him to fix the mouse.

last week i looked at sam and told him to fix my daughter.

there is only One who can fix her. i want to scoop her up and present her to my Father, "Fix her, Make her better."

i am prone to momentary tantrums, i blogged one this spring cuz tirzah is determined to go to africa and work with Aids children/orphans. a continent of unrest. where muslims kills muslims. what will they do to a jewish girl who loves Jesus more than breath? seeing the muslim darfur refugges in israel, brings my heart so much Hope.

there aren't conditions to letting go. as much as she is mine, she doesn't belong to me.

She is His. She always has been. So Abba, please fix her. Heal our Tirzah girl. Dont let her be sick anymore. hurt any more.

(btw-the mouse was fine, stunned by being caught, mouthed, beaten out of the mouth and scooped up, but fine. i named him ear force one cuz dad was working the security for the presidential plane's landing that week)


Yarn It said...

So sorry for Tirzah and what you all are going through. You are a great mom and she is lucky to have you. I hope she feels well soon.

lorinda said...

What more can I say than amen?

bubbebobbie said...

I know this wasn't easy to write because it isn't easy to read. I want to rescue my baby from all this too. When did she grow up?
hugs and kisses, mom

Beth said...

My heart aches for you, Tirzah, and your family. I hope you have answers soon.

Laurie said...

Hi Sweetie Mom, I've been praying for Tirzah for some time now and I agree with you completely, "Just fix her Lord". So this is what I will continue to hound the Lord with each day. You have the most beautiful children (I've seen them on your moms site). Maybe Flat Stanley needs to go have words with UCDavis? I haven't seen him lately but he seems to get around alot. I am a mom and a grandma and so I know your moms heart for you and your children is tender. I promise I will continue hounding the Lord for Tirzah and for you to be able to find peace and rest during this most frustrating time for all.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

Lori (MiryClay) said...

Oh my goodness Heatherlee! My heart is knitted to yours through the love and friendship that I share with your mother. I read this post and just bawled. It's funny b/c I just posted a show & tell asking the same questions about my two children. Time sure flies by, doesn't it? I am praying for Tirzah and for you all. (((hugs))) to you my sister in Christ.


Lesa said...

Prayers and love, as always...

ladylinoleum said...

My love to you all...

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